high people should be assigned attendants
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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