Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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