who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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