I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
