i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
