mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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