a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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