She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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