after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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