9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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