how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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