i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
