I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I had to cum in my sink.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
