the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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