chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize