You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i think i have two assholes
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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