You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
