I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
