Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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