Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
