get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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