You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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