I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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