I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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