life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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