: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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