just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I had to cum in my sink.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
