I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
