dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
