Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Terrible idea I love it
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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