Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize