I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
