is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
