my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my mouth tastes like poor choices
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
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