The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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