Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
