do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
