It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
