so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
