Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
