how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
