After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
