there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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