Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Holy shit dude........stairs
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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