dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I want to stick my p in your. b.
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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