he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
