dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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