Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
