I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
