Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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