Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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