you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
