the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
