No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
