i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
