Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
They left me at home... I'm a liability
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
