Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
