You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
After last night, I could never be a politician.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
