This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
